Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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