Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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