Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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