i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
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I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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