no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
