Moan for me like Helen Keller
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
