someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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