If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
