I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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