is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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