Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
