TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
