youre lurking in front of me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
