Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
