I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
