I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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