i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
