fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
