I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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