he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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