That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
