I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
