if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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