i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
