do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
