i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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