My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
