I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
