fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
