Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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