Only a mothe r could love this liver
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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