Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
