i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
