Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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