Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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