I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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