Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
