Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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