What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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