Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
