After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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