Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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