I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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