smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize