Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
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I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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