If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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