I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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