He asked to "fluff my boner.."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
