Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
