Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
