My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
50% drunk capacity currently
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
