there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
