If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
