the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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