I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
