you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
