I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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