i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
