so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
