Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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