Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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