and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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