I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
