you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
