the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
