At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
