Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
